Dating After Divorce: The Right & Wrong Approach

Dating can be an emotional roller coaster ride at the best of times, but dating after divorce is a major life-altering event. It requires navigating many negative emotions all at once as excitement, fear, insecurity, stress, doubts, and possibilities tangle and fight for attention like a barrel full of greased up monkeys!

Taking the leap of faith to start dating after divorce again can be a critical part of the healing process, allowing you to release and let go of the past pain, bitterness, and resentment, freeing you to embrace a second chance to experience romance and love again but wiser for your past harsh and unwanted lessons.

A major milestone is reached when you return to putting yourself out into the dating pool once more, and you may feel ‘lost’ and ‘rusty’. What are the new protocols, and who pays for dinner these days?  

Tips for Dating After Divorce

Date Outside Of Your Normal Box

Everyone has a pre-programmed type bias or ideal person when they think about a potential mate regarding looks, interests, or aesthetics. However, if your type bias led you to your Ex, changing the bait and type of fish you wish to land is probably best. You have already landed the first fish, and for whatever reason, it turned out not to be to your liking, so fishing for another one of the same type seems a little redundant in purpose and nature. Let go of any assumptions you have about people outside your ideal type. Dating after divorce is the perfect time to step outside your comfort zone and try on new people and outfits. Fight the urge to date the same type of person you divorced as you may not have learned the lessons you were meant to learn and will repeat them with the new person.

If you were widowed and your marriage was solid and happy, you would obviously stick with your type bias if that is what you desire to do. Having said that, everything happens for a reason, even if we do not understand it at the time. A change is as good as a vacation, and a new personality type might be what you need to bring out aspects of yourself that have been dormant or hidden in your past.

Write Down Your Must-Haves And Deal Breakers

It is a great idea to define and establish in writing the must-have qualities you want in a partner, as well as establish what your deal breakers are when dating after divorce. Do some self-reflection and identify what didn’t work in your past marriage that you refuse point blank to accept in a future person and what you absolutely cannot live without in a new partner. This will help you navigate your way through the potential candidates while dating because the romance and excitement of the first dates filled with potential can cloud and filter your perception of others. Having the list in writing means you can stay grounded when all you want to do is float away and turn a blind eye to the dating red flags and warning signs.

Take Any New Relationship Slow And Steady

Dating after divorce can be overwhelming. You are set in your ways and used to doing things a certain way. Dating new people means you need to be flexible and open, and some people struggle with the ability to transition from fixed to flexible. The dating process should be a positive experience overall. If you are not enjoying the process, take a break for self-care. It’s normal for emotions regarding your Ex to pop up even if you consider yourself completely over them. Relationships and a true connection take time to develop in a healthy manner that cannot be rushed. Take the time to enjoy the freedom of the journey without having to reach a destination or conclusion point too soon.

Listen More, Talk Less

After a divorce, it is common to feel guilty or responsible for the failure of your marriage regardless of with whom the fault resides. This can result in rebound feelings you need to overshare or express with the new person. These feelings are natural. A great piece of dating after divorce advice is to focus on actively listening and learning more about the other person and less about projecting your trauma issues onto them in the hope they can ‘fix’ you.

Trust Your Intuition & Instincts

Intuition is a powerful guide when it comes to navigating every aspect of life, and dating is where it comes to the fore. If things don’t feel right or the new person reminds you too much of the Ex, trust that gut feeling and move on. You don’t always have to understand why things don’t work or why attraction isn’t there. Having chemistry is an important aspect of a successful relationship especially your are dating after divorce, but it is not the only factor. It should not be more than 20% of the sum reason you are entertaining the possibility of a future relationship going the distance. Looks, T&A and muscles all sag, wrinkle and shrink over time with the ageing process. If you can’t imagine wanting them in your life a decade or two from where you are, they are not the right person for you. Gently place them back into the ocean and drop a new line into the deep blue.

Image Update And A Fresh New You

Dating after divorce should be used as the ultimate opportunity to give yourself, your life and your wardrobe an entirely new makeover as you refresh your entire life. You can pursue your own fashion choices, interests, and hobbies without a partner’s input or preferences, and you should seize the opportunity to do so! Your hairstyle and choice of cologne/perfume are a great place to start. Choose to create a brand new look for yourself with the assistance of a stylist who can help you find new accessories or clothing styles that have no memories associated with your Ex.

 If you want to take it a step further:

1. Try something new to boost your confidence.
2. Take up a new class, course, or fitness routine.
3. Join a club and learn a new sport, language, or hobby from scratch.

Getting out of your cave or comfort zone will bring social interaction and people with whom you can date and explore life.

Look For The Dating Red Flags

It goes without saying that everyone should be aware of and look for red flags that indicate unwanted behaviours or indicate disturbed psyches in others. The divorce dating pool is full of fish, but not all of them are the right fish for you, and they all give off easy-to-read warning signs that send up red flags that activate your instincts and scream, “Listen to me, damn it, they are a psycho looking for a bunny to boil on your stove! Go, Go, Go, get to the chopper and get the hell out of here!” Listen to that little voice and never question it!

Do Not Be Afraid Of Intimacy

It’s completely normal to be a little fearful of intimacy with another person after a divorce. You likely haven’t had to be vulnerable and emotionally invested for a long time. Try to focus on being body-confident, knowing that your partner is probably feeling all the same body issues and doubts that you find them physically attractive naked as they project their fears onto you and vice versa. If you have any insecurities about sex, be proactive. It could be a good idea to have a personal lubricant or an ED medication on hand to quell any performance anxiety. Getting back into the saddle on a new mount can be a challenge, even for a seasoned rider. No two partners are the same, and their likes and dislikes are learned over time that cannot be rushed. Finding your mutually beneficial new groove can be scary, but it’s nothing to be ashamed of and is always a learning experience.

Never Be Afraid Or Ashamed Of Telling Your Loved Ones You Have Moved On

Divorce presents all sorts of shame but having the courage to put yourself out there and date again should not be a source of shame or something to hide. It might be best for you to tell your circle of friends and family about your after divorce dating life. They might have insight into the people you are dating and able to help you make great new connections that potentially could become a new family adventure.

Never Settle Out Of Fear Of Loneliness

If you feel lonely, try to fill your needs for companionship through family or friendships based on mutual interests. Failing that, buy a dog and invest your love into a ball of fur that will give back to you. Settling in a new romantic relationship can be terrifying after a divorce, especially if the divorce was traumatic and drama riddled with deep hostilities. The drive to meet new people and start fresh might take some serious strength on your part to manifest. There are now more ways than ever to connect with others, but at the end of the day, the most likely place to find a new partner is in the flesh and doing something you do for yourself every day to make you the best you possible. Why? Because they are doing the same thing and you have the in common as a place to undertake a first casual date.

In the end, remember to have fun, prioritise self-care, and practice maintaining good mental health. If you decided start dating after divorce once again, don’t put too much pressure on yourself or others. Allowing yourself to experience romance and being open to love after a divorce is a huge accomplishment in itself. The more often you do it, the better you get at it, dating, not divorcing, that is… although practice does make perfect! 

Who Pays For Dinner These Days

Is a tricky question and will depend entirely on where you stand on the situation and where your date stands. The venue you choose is also of significance. If you choose a fancy restaurant as a first date and you are not prepared to foot the bill for your choice, then you have no business dating or choosing venues for first dates.

The first, second, and third dates should all be light and short in duration. No more than three hours in total. You are trying to establish if there is enough attraction and mutual likes and dislikes to make the next date. By the end of the third date, you will know if you wish to push for something more serious or walk away and start the process again.

As a general rule of thumb, the person who asks for the date pays for the date.

These days there are several options, and if you find it awkward discussing finances, you might need to establish upfront what your expectations are so your date can cover their own costs and agree to the venue of choice. They may not like your chosen venue as an option.

Option one: You pay the bill in full

Option two: They pay the bill in full

Option three: You split the bill down the centre

Option four: You pay for your own meals independently.

Regardless of the joys and pitfalls, dating after divorce can be trying and even demoralising when things don’t go to plan. Never give up. Take time to centre yourself and go over your goals, and then re-engage with a fresh perspective until you find the right one. They are out there somewhere, but where is not an answer you can be given. It is a problem you must solve in your own time with the aid of destiny and that little fat cherub with the poison darts!